Empathy vs. Duty

The last couple days I just can't shake this feeling of empathy and compassion.  Not usually something people complain about, is it?

Rico's mom called me yesterday.  Asking me to make things more private around here on vox, so that her son wouldn't read it and go through wracking bouts of pain.  She'd asked him not to read it, but he reads it anyway.  I find this odd because when we were together he never bothered to read it.  Oh well.

I have mixed feelings about this request.  On the one hand, this is my life, my blog, my emotional release.  He has a choice about whether he reads it or not.  He knows it's going to hurt him.  I don't feel like I have a duty to forcibly keep my life out of his view.  If he wants to cry and cry and wallow in the pain, that is not my choice, and not my responsibility.  I don't have any sort of duty to him anymore.

But I notice how easily I could fall into that thought pattern, the one I've seen so many people fall into when dealing with past relationships.  The cutting off of all compassion and caring for the other person, because it's too difficult to handle.  And it *is* fucking difficult.

There is a balance that I need to find.  I do need the release of guilt/responsibility for his emotional state.  I do need to cut off that part of me.  I was always the one that helped him and healed him and took care of him.  I can't feel like I need to do that now.  I don't.  I know there is nothing I can or *should* do for him.  He is on his own.  It has to be that way.

But at the same time I don't want to let myself off the hook.  His pain still hurts me.  Thinking of him, I imagine what he must be going through and I feel it in my heart and it just makes me want to cry.  I don't want to feel it that intensely….but I don't want to deny it either.

I desperately wish he didn't have to suffer.  He thinks I'm cold and uncaring and only focused on myself.  He has no idea.  But I have to just feel it on my own and deal with it on my own.  Telling him won't do any good.  He needs to deal with it on his own.

You know, of all the ways this breakup could affect me…it makes sense with how our relationship went and what my role in it was that this would be the hardest part for me.  Not my own isolated feelings.  I'm okay there.  The way I treated this relationship, it was never really about *me.*  I really have made peace with the situation.  But when it comes to his feelings, I still feel them.  I still feel like part of me is wrapped up in his well being.

That is something I still need to come to terms with and let go, while still remaining true to myself.  Unfortunately logic doesn't seem to help this one. 

It is so counter-intuitive to let myself feel upset and to share it.  But I'm just going to trust the people I love to be able to handle it, rather than lock it away like I always used to.  It takes a conscious effort.  But one that I think shows honesty and respect and love.

Anyway.  Super-sensitive posts like this I'll make neighborhood-only.  But for the most part this blog will remain public.

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