I went to the park today. It's nice.  I haven't been able to visit it much lately, but today I went there to eat lunch and read and think.

I love the openness of everything.  The freedom.  The warmth of the sunlight on my back.  The squirrels playing everywhere.  Life, going about it's day, doing it's thing.  I like its version of life better than mine.  I'm so tired of responsibility.  Of course…who knows how it feels for them.  Maybe they get just as stressed out about where they put their nuts or the next thing they have to do.

Anyway, I was reading Thomas Merton's Raids on the Unspeakable.  He was talking about the contemplative life and solitude.  And how we are so easily fooled into thinking that what we are doing is *important.*  And there are two ways to wake up from this ignorance that the collective imposes on us and shapes our needs with.  You can either give yourself out to others without thought of return, or live a solitary life.

I have to say, I would probably need a combination of the two.  I definitely need time for the solitary part, time to face the nothingness, the vulnerabilities.  Time away from the distractions of the collective life.  But I can't do that for very long, even though I need a small amount of it.  I feel like I was in some ways made to give myself away.  The problem is, I can't do that in a healthy way unless I keep the other component.  It's too easy for me to get un-centered.  To feel like my "self" is out there in the hearts of the people I love, rather than viewing myself as solid and fixed, a fountain which pours out love from me to them.  I lose my self as the center if I'm not careful.

But I definitely have to admit to the loss of some of the insight I once had.  I have felt hollow, searching for escape from that feeling rather than facing it.  I have not been feeling centered.

But I don't feel bad for having lost it.  I know there is no use in blaming myself…this is the natural way of things.  We cannot remain solidly in the light.  The natural way is to find happiness, then to be distracted by it, then to fall into darkness that we might rediscover what happiness means.

I can't be afraid to face things honestly, even if that means admitting feelings that aren't so pleasant.  I don't want them to grow and fester.  I don't know what will happen in my life, but staying honest with myself keeps me centered, and that is really all I need in order to keep going.

Fear is self defeating. Truth is always worth the struggle.

But I still want to say fuck responsibility. πŸ˜‰

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  1. I'm glad you could get away for a bit. Fresh air and beautiful scenery has a way of relieving some stress. Sometimes after being inside all day, I take a walk outside at night and the smell of the coolness of the air, the moon, the stars, just release me and I'm like, "Damn, now I'm alive. This is what life is all about right here." Of course then I usually get all lonely after realizing I have no one to spend it with, heh. πŸ™‚

  2. I just read a book by Carol Gilligan (famous feminist psychologist). It's called Kyra and is fictional, but is about the structures we impose on ourselves and how limiting these are for females in particular. Male morality tends to be based on rules but female morality is based on relationship. Problem is, almost all structures currently in place are based on rules – including Opera, Architecture, Education….In relationship, there isn't really a center. It's fluid and ever changing. So she proposes we start looking at removing the railings of our currently male dominated structure and step out on that limb. I've been thinking a lot about this book and was intrigued by your comment that you want to give yourself away, but don't want to lose your center. Which is definitely a valid point. It all depends on what it is you are submitting to, really. Gilligan claims that we females tend to submit ourselves to a masculine structure without even realizing it. It's a really subtle thing. That submission will definitely throw off our balance and we'll find ourselves relying on the railings of the old structure again. But there is a different way to give yourself away that creates more balance. So difficult to find, though and I think it probably requires that sense of loss and hollowness (which could easily become emptiness, you know?)

  3. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IM GOING THROUGH. I know you'll make it. πŸ˜‰

  4. See, the thing is, I know how I've felt when I am truly operating out of myself and who I am. When I am being the most genuine. And that is when a) I am better able to love others and b) I can love and help without feeling drained.But my tendency is to start there and then as time goes on I start living more and more on the surface of myself. I start seeing myself only through the eyes of the person I am loving, and therefore I do not see my genuine self anymore. That's what I mean when I say that I feel like my "self" is out there and I am not centered. At that point I am always worried, always accommodating the needs and wants of others, and stop listening to my own inner voice. That's what I mean by not being centered. Which is why I feel like I need the alone time to come back into myself, spend time listening to my inner voice. Because when I do, I find I have a million more resources for pouring myself out. πŸ™‚

  5. And I've regained some of what I lost since I wrote this post. It really is a feeling of potency, a lack of fear. Not a permanent state, nor one that should be clung to, but a nice one nonetheless. I enjoy it while its here. πŸ™‚

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