Paying attention to dreams

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Had an odd dream last night.

I called my ex's mom, to apologize to her for the way I acted during our breakup.  I left a message saying I was sorry for not answering or returning her calls, sorry for the pain I'd caused, and how she was always supportive and loving towards me and that she had meant a lot to me.

Then I was waiting in his apartment (thought it didn't look like his apartment, probably as a symbol of him changing), he walked in, shocked and angry, and I told him I just wanted to say something.  I basically said that I was sorry for how I came off during our breakup and that it was coldness or lack of love that he felt from me, but extreme fear and pain.  I said I was acting out of that fear and pain, and so my actions weren't the best.

Then his girlfriend walked in, and he had this look of worry on his face, that it would hurt me or something.  In the dream it didn't even phase me.  It wasn't a surprise, and it was perfectly fine.  I told him that.  I said don't worry, I know you've moved on and I'm glad, I've moved on too.  I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry.

Then I left, and his mom was about to call me back but my alarm woke me up.

I told Ben about it this morning.  He asked if maybe I was having trouble with the fact that he'd moved on and now has a girlfriend.  That is definitely not it.  It's pretty obvious actually.  In the dream, it was about explaining my actions.  I did feel an incredible amount of fear during that time.  Every time he called, every time I was going to be confronted with him or his mother or anything to do with it, I seized up and didn't want to touch it.  I was scared as shit. 

And now that I've got distance, now that I'm no longer scared, I look back and see how my fear impacted how I dealt with things.  It really doesn't have anything to do with him, because he had just as many problems as I did.  He took everything I said the wrong way, he expected me to come to him and comfort him just like I always had, and I didn't have the energy anymore.  It was definitely important at the time that I stopped feeling responsible for him.

In relation to him, I feel I did the right thing.  And I'm not putting him above me either.  He acted just as immature as I did or worse (okay, a lot worse).

But this is me, looking back on the source of my actions, and knowing it was fear.  I was not operating from my center very often in that time.  I feel bad about that and wish I could explain myself, but I know that doing so would only open up a huge can of worms that I don't want to even touch.  So i don't feel the need to do that.

I think this dream highlights my need to forgive myself.  I see how the fear affected me, and I have to look at that as natural, even though the people affected by my actions may not understand that.

St. Ignatius said that once you realize that the wool has been pulled over your eyes, the only proper response is laughter.  Rosamonde said a similar thing happens when you realize just how much you've been fooling yourself over what is important.  You come out laughing.

Though I still feel a pang of guilt, there is a certain lightheartedness I can find when I just relax and breathe.  This is by no means tearing me apart or constantly on my mind.  But the dream was calling me to face it, to think about it for a bit, and so that is what I am doing with this post.

The dream, I think, showed me that I have definitely let go of him, I just haven't quite let go of how *I* was during the whole thing.

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